Integrating the Glimpse of 9th Dimensional Love

The glimpse I got of myself in the 9th dimension, as a bright white, upward-streaming, infinite column of indestructible, unconditional love, has been the single most life-impacting thing that has happened to me. But what on earth does it mean for me in this body in this world that I live in?

The glimpse that I was allowed to feel, of who I am at my very core, did not suddenly come alive inside my body in a way that immediately changed who I am in these 3 dimensions and how I interact with people and the planet. I did not suddenly become like Jesus. I did not suddenly lose all the ways my body was holding patterns and nervous system memories and ways of reacting to things that happened to me.

I still don't know whether, or how, I could ever actually live as a human in this world while being that vividly aware of myself as that infinite column of Love - Light. I felt in that moment that the tree (and every other tree) is always aware of itself as that, while still being aware of itself as a 3-dimensional tree with photosynthesizing needles and roots that imbibe nutrients from the soil it's growing in. But myself in this body is so steeped in amnesia and veiled off from the Love I actually am, that it's virtually impossible for me to even imagine being fully aware of both this and that at the same time. I mean, first of all, there are a lot of dimensions between these 3 and the 9th, and I don't know what goes on in those dimensions…

And yet. That Love-Light-column glimpse remains the most Real I have ever felt. And the implanted seed of awareness of WHO I AM and how that feels has had its own way of growing in my body and in my mind. What a journey it's been. I now live in a reality that feels radically different from the one I lived in before that happened, and I know that this journey through life with that knowledge will be a never-ending expansion of that awareness into the life of this little Lorna who was born in 1964 in Hastings, Minnesota.

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Threads of Insight and Experience

There are a thousand ways that my awareness of the divine Love and consciousness both in myself, and in the tree, have spun threads of epiphanies about how I and other humans relate to each other and the earth. These threads of insights have slowly woven themselves, in the 18 years since it happened, into a tapestry which is the lens through which I now see and feel myself and the world.

Here's the briefest of summaries of major parts of this tapestry:

Our amnesia affects the way we "consume" the things of the earth to keep ourselves alive. If we went about our lives knowing the conscious divine dimensions in the trees and the stones and the mushrooms and the waters and the ticks and the mosquitoes and the chickadees and the chickens and the spiders and the salmon and the bacteria and the iron ore and the stars and the comets and the potatoes and the dandelions, we would naturally live with a sense of immense gratitude, and necessary grief, for the way these other beings are giving themselves for us to be alive.

The absence of this conscious gratitude and grief has resulted in the enslavement and raping of the natural world, including our fellow humans, which has naturally spawned in us a very deep shame at a level we cannot access, because it has been covered by a necessary numbing.

The visceral amnesia of that dimension affects my relationship with my own emotions.. when I tried to bring the Love that I had felt to the people in my life, it turned out that, instead, I began to become aware that my OWN body is carrying around immense layers of undischarged emotional energies that have been building up during my life as a person who didn't feel that Love. This was probably the most surprising discovery of this whole journey.

The consequent load of undischarged emotional energies has been pulling all the strings of my relationships with other people, and their relationships with me.

These immense and collective multi-generational oceans of subconscious undischarged emotional energies has been driving our political and economic lives for the entire history of so-called "civilization." All of human history looks different from what I learned in school, when seen through the lens of our cycles of amnesia.  (I am aware that this is a bold and radical and entirely-too-simplistic statement, and I could write so much more about it, to put some flesh on these brief bare bones of the way I feel "history" now.)

The teachings and experiences of intact indigenous people have helped to clarify my understanding of history, and the differences between the way us "civilized" humans understand and interact with the world, and how we did before we became civilized. The intact indigenous worldviews and life-ways suddenly begin to make sense when I understand that they are based in a version of reality that includes those divine conscious dimensions in "all our relations," as well as an awareness of the ability to, and necessity of, allowing our emotional energies to viscerally express themselves in ritual contexts that are in communion with those divine dimensions.

Most of the threads of insight have come as epiphanies that have arisen in the context of a thousand little and big experiences, both in relation to myself, and the natural world, and other people. Those experiences have been the subject of most of my blog posts. There are a lot more that I haven't written about yet.

Seeing and experiencing the world through a different lens than I did 20 years ago, and through a different lens than most of the rest of the human race presently, is in itself a challenging thing to navigate. There are still lots of parts of me that are reacting to events on a daily basis the way I reacted when I didn't know what I know now. And paradoxically, being frustrated that people still see the world the way they do, which is the way I used to see it, is a constant theme in my daily inner landscape. You'd think I would be more understanding of the way people see the world. But the frustration is coming from a part of me that still feels helpless and abandoned and unseen and betrayed and terrified.

The overarching focus and purpose in my life right now is to pay attention to the energies that are coming up in my own body, rather than getting distracted by trying to change the things in the world around me that have made me aware of the thing that I am feeling. When I feel anxious or angry or fearful or betrayed or ashamed or alone, my typical initial reaction is to use words as weapons to try to defend myself or change what someone else is doing. But I am learning slowly but surely that this reaction NEVER actually makes me feel better, because all I am doing is distracting myself from what is coming up in my body. When I turn inward and sink deeply into what is happening internally, and allow it to come up and flow, the relief is always SO palpable and beautiful and cleansing. Little by little, layer by layer, I am allowing that Love that I know is in me to seep into all the places in me that never felt it before.